Amy+Choi+SoC+Paragraph

As he walks out of his office, he feels the soreness on his neck and shoulder. “Ah-- I’m so ready to go home!” He sees his watch and it’s about 8:30p.m. He goes down to the parking lot, pulls his key out of his pocket and gets in to his car. On the way home, he still feels the pain on his neck from sitting in front of the computer and working all day long, but the faces of his wife and daughters comes up to his mind and makes him feel better-- comfort. He arrives to the apartment, parks his car to the nearest entrance. The elevator opens and he smiles at the old lady who lives next door. "7th floor." He opens the door and says “Daddy’s home!” but no one answers. All the lights are off, dark and he finds out that no one is home.

__Positive:__ Your paragraph is really familiar because it portrays a scene in which we normally see everyday. It shows a typical person's daily life by adding details into the story as well. Also, the last part gives me a sense of loneliness by showing that nobody's home when the man came back from work. It seems to show what most of our dads feel in today's society. __Negative:__ You had many details that portrayed one's daily life well, however, I think you should have included more sentences that expressed his emotions rather than actions. You could have added what he was thinking as he was taking an action or how he was feeling.
 * Kristie Lee (Comments)**:

Nana Park: I really like the surprising ending! I expected someone to be at home. I really like the way you started your writing because it is different and unique. As I was reading this writing I was able to feel the soreness on his neck and shoulder from working over time. And also I really like how you used dialogue to express his feelings. One thing I am confused about this writing is that if he actually has a family or not. I think it will be better if you clarified that part a little bit more. Other than that it was a well written writing!