Sarah+Cho+SoC+Paragraph

The Effect of the CROWD. Sarah C.

As she took steps out of the room, the windows, the walls, the ceiling, and the floor shrank behind her. The room was strangling her, enclosing her body and wasn’t able to move freely. When she saw the crowd outside, this gave her dizziness and a feeling of insecurity. She was stunned by how many people showed up, and was stunned by this image that she felt as if tears were running down her cheeks. Although she was happy and stunned, there was the feeling of uneasiness with a change in the surrounding that she had always been in. The existence of her family inside the crowd stood out, as if the spotlight had brighten them for her to see. After she sang her melodious song in front of the entire crowd, she felt something move in her heart. The feeling of insecurity turned into pride and acknowledgment of her own accomplishments. As she walked down the stairs, back into the room, the windows, walls, ceiling, and the floor enlarged. She was able to move freely in her room and had enough breaths to take.

Yunjin Kim
 * Positive:** Your writing indicates your strong feelings toward your self. I like how you portrayed a situation, but giving it an outcome and solution at the end as well. At the same time I was reading, it felt as if the words itself were strangling me, and releasing me freely at the end, just like the character experienced it. Nice use of surroundings and emotions!


 * Negative**: Although the obscurity of the writing definitely brings out your personal style, I'd like to read more about why this character felt this why. Put more emotions after the character had been able to 'move freely' in her room.

SangHeon Cha Positive: I like the detail description of the main character's fluctuation. I also like how surroundings reveals the main character's feeling.

Negative: If you have used similes, the reader would understand the feelings better.