Corie+Hahn's+SoC+paragraph

=Stream of Consciousness Paragraph =

by Corie Hahn
**Cameron Lanes**

====There have been many things going in her head at the time. She didn’t really know what to feel at this point. Cameron Lanes had just received a phone call that her mother had been hospitalized recently because of a sudden car crash. Realizing that she should have ran to the hospital by now, she found that the car would be too traumatizing for the current situation so she took a train. On her way there, she asked herself many things. Was her mother going to be alright? Who was in the car? Where was this held? All these thoughts of how she should have treated her mother better. Her mind traced back to the point where she remembered her yelling at her mother for no apparent reason at all. She felt horrible and regretful for behaving so childish. Cameron reached the hospital in no time and ran up to her mother’s room. She saw that she was fine, just a few scratches on her face and body. A tear drop fell from Cameron’s face because of the huge relief that overtook her at that moment. Needless to say, Cameron had never been the same again. ====

Comments: Lydia The thought process was very realistic. You used third person very well but at the same time, you can tell it was a stream of consciousness with the real emotion of Cameron Lanes. We could see Lanes' thought process and what she felt every step of the way from the time that she received the phone call. There is a clear beginning, middle, and end, as we can feel Cameron's sigh of relief as she saw her mother. One minor thing is have been in the first sentence should be "had been." Remember to keep your verb tenses the same! Just a few grammatical mistakes but other than that, great realistic story. I could really feel what Lanes was feeling.

Phil's comment: Corie, you used third person POV and described other person's feelings and action in terms of stream of consciousness. If you have wrote in a more creative way, then the story would have become more interesting. Also, there were few grammar errors. Overall, Good Job!

HaJung's comment: Great paragraph! You incorporated the third person theme and the emotions of Cameron Lanes very well making a realistic story. The details and specific descriptions used in the story was very deep and organized. It was very clear to see what was happening, and I like how you occasionally used shorter sentences to express important thoughts of Cameron Lanes. The only thing that you could change is the grammar error in some spots and delete unnecessary words. Otherwise, very well done!

Mingoo's comment: Your paragraph was very clear and realistic. It was easy to understand what you were trying to tell the readers. However you might want to make your story a bit more interesting. Also, there were many details. Good job!

Leah's comment: Corie, this paragraph is really sad :( It really made me tear... Anyways, I really liked how you used the third person's point of view in such a way. I thought I was reading a section from an actual novel. Good job!