JiYoon+Hyun's+SoC+Paragraph

Recalling

She recalled everything back when she was in Egypt. It was a very hot day but she wasn't sweating and actually felt quite fresh since she was the type of person who was used to the hot sun that was beaming downward at the downtown of where the desert and the three pyramids were located. She took a sip from her bottled water stored in a little box attached next to her seat on top of a camel. I suppose you're not thirsty? Lead on the way, camel. She felt safe and she felt lonely. But it wasn't the loneliness of what people call, being isolated and abandoned. It was the loneliness that everyone needs once in their lifetime. The loneliness that may be felt as a sharp wind blushing against one's cheeks, but also felt like a mother's hands letting go of her daughter's hands allowing her to leave out from her mother's territory. Far beyond, she saw a pyramid. Far far away, she saw another pyramid. And far far far away, she saw one that looked even smaller than the other two. She took out her camera to measure how far her camera could reach further out to capture all three pyramids at the same time. She laughed as she posed with her camel, that sat down to relax while she was busy taking pictures. She reached out for the pyramids with her small hands. She touched it in the air. She reached out for the sand she was stepping on. It was soft and it felt like a smooth, velvety feel of a blanket thrown over a bed. She blew away the last pieces of sand left on her hand and smiled. She loved it. She loved being in Egypt and she loved the open space provided in the desert of Alexandria. Who would ever know how it feels like to be in the middle of a desert when the person has never been there before? Who would ever know how it feels like to be free, but free when there is not that much surrounding around you and solely just a time with yourself and only? Who would ever know what it feels like to be in a desert, if they've never been there before? No one will ever know. A desert is never lonely. She knew it was better than the seas, oceans, mountains, and so much more. A desert was a gift from God. And for the first time, I thanked the God of Muslim, Alah. She knew she would never forget the feeling, the emotions, the air, the breeze, the atmosphere she got to touch with her bare hands. She knew she was a lucky girl. One lucky girl who got a special change to live in Egypt for 7 years.

Jin Kwon: - I really admire the way you described your emotions during your stay in Egypt (of course we all know you're talkin' about yourself here). The emotions are strong and very vivid, I can almost feel the sweat going down my neck and the thirst in my throat. The paragraph did an outstanding job with it's descriptions because they were very specific. One thing that I would suggest is omitting the use of questions. Although questions can be beneficial in many cases, I feel that you could get a stronger reaction out of your readers if you simply continued to use your vivid descriptions until the very end, however overall, brilliant job.

Sejin Paik: The thing that stood out the most from your writing was your imagery. I actually felt like I was in the story walking through the the desert in Egypt. You also do a good job of describing yourself in third person, and I know it isn't an easy task. I think this a great condensed story that includes your feelings, your experiences, and a bit of a fun story-line at the same time. One thing I want to point out, is that since I have never experienced this "adventure" that you have, I sometimes got lost or a bit confused about what was happening. It would've been great if you could introduce the topic in the beginning a little bit more. But other than that, I was able to learn something new about this great experience in the desert. Great job.