Nathan+Cho+Soc+Paragraph

He was shaking as if he was in the North pole. The color of his face was gradually changing to white and purple like a vampire. I could see dark shades under his eyes. Also, it seemed as if he was getting more fragile and desolate. He looked around for help, but no body was giving an eye on him. When the bell rang and teacher came into the class, a classroom was in silence with one voice from the teacher. As time went by, people around him started to notice that there was something wrong with him. However, people did not ask what was going on with him. As more time went by, the teacher felt little strange with him. So, the teacher called out his name and asked, “Jin, are you ok?”.

Jin suddenly and slowly rose up from his seat with his shivering body. It seemed as if he could fall down by one finger on him. Jin boldly left the class. Then, he came out of the school and looked up at the sky. He smiled with full of dark gray clouds as if he finally found a companion. As he walked along the long narrow street with wind, he was shivering more and getting more weak. However, people at the street did not ask what was wrong with him, but gave a peculiar eye. Jin could not push himself anymore so he just sat down there...

Comments:

Jin Kwon: - Well, I'm very surprised you used me as the subject of your paragraph. I must say I am very honored and it's very interesting how you described me in the passage above. I can definitely feel that I'm unable to find a sense of identity in the paragraph mostly because at one moment I was happy and then shivering and sad the next. Personally, it's a very interesting paragraph and I feel that the main theme that is prevalent in this paragraph is confusion and indecisiveness. However the paragraph could've been better first of all if it was more grammatically correct and second, conveyed more emotions or maybe if stronger adjectives and descriptions were used.

Cindy Choi: It was interesting how you used Jin as the character of your story. The descriptions you used were very precise which helped the audience feel like they were dragged into the story. I would however like to point out the awkward sentence structures in between your sentences. Some parts are descriptive and nice but sometimes your sentences cut on short. I also suggest you give more depth in your story but other than those factors I think that you did a well job.